Another Blessing

Journal Entry,
Written on February 9, 2013

Our beautiful Kollins is now 17 months old. She is the happiest most friendly girl I've ever laid eyes on. She has become quite the parrot these days. She's calling me "Annie" instead of mama and can somehow hear everything we say even from the other room and copy it. There is nothing better. She says "Ya!" in her really excited tiny voice, to every thing we ask her and gives us her huge cheesy grins and huge lips kisses all day. She is my pride and joy, I love her more each day if that's possible. When Koli was 9 months old we had decided it was the perfect time to start trying for another little joy to add to our family. We were soo excited to grow our family. Since it didn't take long to get pregnant with Koli we thought we would have no problem again. Months started rolling by and still that pregnancy result stayed negative. Koli was still little but our desire to have another didn't lessen because of it. We wanted to grow our family but for some reason it just wasn't possible. Each month got harder and harder for me until my heart constantly ached for another. Logan was more relaxed about it. He was hopeful each month but as time went on he started to wonder why too. I asked him for a blessing one night at about 4 months of trying. In this blessing I felt it would still take a bit more time. I didn't like that but I trusted it. I was promised that when it happened I would be spiritually and physically prepared for another child, and for another pregnancy. That sentence alone brought me great comfort as I reflected on it through out the up coming months. Meanwhile I was watching my sisters, close friends, seemed like everyone I know get pregnant. I felt so much joy for them truly, but at night while I lay in bed I sometimes wept wanting just that blessing they had received. I wish I had been stronger, this trial was so hard for me to bare at times. But, when I prayed I DID know it would come and that when it did I WOULD be ready. Some months I knew why... I had not been strong enough or had much faith in His plan. And honestly I felt like if I did get pregnant I wouldn't be worthy, I wasn't where I needed to be, because of what the prior blessing had said. I was angry with myself sometimes for being so sad, but through the process of learning how to really trust Him I truly learned how to give Him my pain, and The Lord did take it from me. This last month in particular I have never felt closer to my Maker. By His mercy I no longer ached. I felt amazing, I felt so clearly that THIS was His plan for me. To not dwell on what I didn't have but to rejoice in what I do. I felt healed from my hurt and so grateful for this trial that became such a beautiful learning experience for me that I pray I will never forget. Trials have a way of making us turn toward our Savior and begging for strength that we do not have without him. I feel so much love for my beautiful Kollins, and have so much gratitude for her.
Last night I wept in gratitude. I wept with Logan, praying, thanking my Father In Heaven, because in 9 months, actually 8 we will have another beautiful baby to hold and love. My heart is so full with pure joy,

We are SO happy to announce....!!